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October 30th, 2009
The law school can sense when I am cranky. I was sitting in the law school cafeteria when got an instant message from Jack. He was in class, and another chair had just collapsed.
This happened to me last year:
Fail.
I was going to write a post about the ridiculous spending patterns at the law school: we have a student lounge with a flat screen TV, pool table, and video game machines, but our classrooms smell1, the seats collapse, and the temperature control is underwhelming. A can of febreeze would do far more good than a pinball machine.
So, I started writing my cranky post when the administrator in charge of orientation2 came by my table and gave me a handwritten thank you note and Take 5 candy bar for serving as an orientation leader.
Then, on my way to class, the Lexis representative had a spread of (good) candy and muffins. She was busy and tired, so I didn’t even have to talk to her to get the food…although I did tell her how much I loved Best Authority.
Muffin and candy bar in hand, law school was suddenly awesome. Who cares that that the class rooms smell like snot? They feed me!
I walk into my Conflicts class full of sugary goodwill and see Jill:
Me: “The Lexis lady has free muffins and candy bars!”
Jill: “WHAT?”
Me: “Free food! The Lexis lady is giving out muffins and candy. And you don’t even have to talk to her. It’s amazing.”
Jill: “You mean she’s giving away muffins ON THE DAY OF THE WLSA BREAST CANCER BAKE SALE?! That bitch!”
Me: “I was just trying to spread the good word…”
Jill stifles a scream then storms out of the room.
Woops.
1 I suspect they don’t shampoo the carpet.
2 Aka, the “go to” lady who everyone loves.
May 14th, 2009
Jill’s top 10 moments:
10. Jill vs. Professor P.
Prof P: “Let’s see this is a very hard case… Jill let’s start with you!”
Jill (loudly): “ARGH!”
Prof P: “What was that?”
Jill : “Oh nothing!”
Prof P: “I thought I heard ‘no’, because if that’s so then I could just move on…”
Jill: “Wait, is that an option!?”
Prof P: “I wouldn’t recommend it.”
9. Jill Keeps it Real
SSG Instructor: “You guys haven’t had multifactor balancing tests yet right?”
Jill: “Yeah, in legal writing last semester, but that was a disaster too…”
8. Jill’s Bloodlust
Professor R: “Is this an incentive for the suspect to run? Often the suspect is younger, doesn’t have heavy equipment, and hasn’t been to the doughnut shop as much…”
Jill: “There’s a middle ground! You don’t haveta shoot him! You can taser him, or beat him with a baton!”
7. Should Jill bring a catheter?
Jill: Are there any bathroom breaks during our six hour deliberations? I want to know whether I should pack a catheter …
6. Roach Crouton…
Professor T: “So you’re eating at Café X and you crunch into a crouton, which you find out is a roach. What do you do?”
Jill: “Sign up for Fear Factor!”
Professor T: “What’s that? I’m so disadvantaged for not watching TV…”
Jill: “Oh, it’s a show where they pay people to eat bugs.”
Professor T: “And can you get paid by Café X?”
Jill: “Sure.”
Professor T: “And why are they going to pay you?”
Jill: “Because they are scared of getting sued.”
Professor T: “And what if you just saw the roach in your salad and didn’t bite into it?”
Jill: “Well, then I bite into it and then sue.”
5. Jill is Harsh
Professor R: “I want to schedule a makeup class for April 28 at noon. Does anyone have any conflicts with this?”
Jack: “I do! I do! There is some lunch thing with potential employers on that day.”
Jill (loudly): “Don’t worry. You’re not going to get hired anyway!”
4. Sugamomma.
Professor T: “Jill, does your husband have any interest in you?”
Jill: “Besides my sugamomma status?”
Professor T: “Yes a consortium…damages.”
Jill: “But I’m irreplaceable!”
Professor T: “We all are. Well, most of us. Not all of our dogs love us…”
3. Ms. D dropped out… (a long time ago)
Professor L: “Ms. Dennel? Demmel?”
Jill: “Her name was De-mal. Sarah Demal.”
Professor L: “Yes, so Ms. Dememel? Dennel? Oh forget it! I’ll just call you Ms. D!”
(Class laughs)
Professor L: “So Ms. D…”
Jill: “Actually, I’m Jill. Jill Smith.”
Professor L: “Huh? Where’s Ms. Demmel? Is Ms. Demmel, Dannel, Dennel not here today?”
Jill: “Sarah Demal sat in front of me. She actually dropped out the first week of class…”
Professor L: “OH! That explains things! I just had a note here that she wasn’t here the last time I called on her… hm.”
Jill: “…So do you want me to answer?”
Professor L: “No. I didn’t even want to call on you! Forget it!”
(Class laughs)
Professor L: “This is literally sound and fury signifying nothing…THERE! I got a Shakespeare quote in! ”
(later)
Professor L: “Okay, let me turn to…Ms. Chang…oh, she’s not here. She didn’t drop out too right?”
2. Jill on backpacks.
Jack: “Are you looking at my rolly backpack?”
Jill: “Yes. And judging accordingly.”
Jack: “What? I got it for my birthday and I’m so excited about it.”
Jill: “That’s nice.”
Jack: “…I just got sick of carrying so much shit around. I had so many bags and I looked like a homeless person.”
Jill: “You can buy cute bags though. Note my big purse and briefcase. Or, you can try using your locker for books you don’t need.”
Jack: “And I just want my rolly backpack to be socially acceptable!”
Jill: “It never will be.”
1. How Jill Became that Girl:
Jill’s computer starts speaking during Professor L’s class: “CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’VE WON!” The entire class laughs.
Professor L: “I won’t even try to exercise discipline, because the embarrassment is enough. HOW EMBARRASSING!”
Jill: “Sorry…I had to buy these tickets…and…”
Professor L: “And apparently you’ve won something! I’m sure you’re not the only one who has done such a thing in class, you’re just the only one who has done it with the volume on!”
March 24th, 2009
Property just got amazing:
Professor P: “The Fair Housing Act1 prevents discrimination based certain protected classes, including sex.”
Jack: “What about the YMCA that rents only to men?”
(Class engages in a collective ‘what the hell?’ moment.)
Professor P: “YMCAs still rent to people?”
Jack: “Yeah. I think so.”
Professor P: “Uh…well…”
Jill (frantically waves her hand): “WAIT! I just stayed at a YMCA, and I AM NOT A MAN!”
1 42 U.S.C. §§ 3601-3619.
March 22nd, 2009
Spring break is over! Oh wherever did it go?
I spent my spring break working. And to answer your question – yes, someone deigned to hire the most notoriously clumsy law student on earth. I think it’s because I carry napkins around and apologize profusely whenever the tumbler from hell spews coffee everywhere…1
My job is in the suburbs, so I spent a lot of time screaming singing and dancing to my playlist while driving. 2
Between the internship, school work, and the random-for-fun cases,3 I read over 100 cases this week. Yes, I am officially blind. Urkle, watch out!
I had an epiphany while reading case after case: there was some structure here, some reoccurring pattern… I thought for a second and almost shouted from my cubicle, “OH MY GOD THIS IS WHAT THEY MEANT BY IRAC!”
The court states the problem (issue), the applicable law (rule), applies the rule to the facts of the case (application), and then …yes, comes to a conclusion. Oh my god. Where was I during legal writing? I knew what the acronym stood for, but I didn’t truly understand how to apply it until this week. 4
And the beauty of IRAC is that it makes legal writing SO flipping easy and clean. It’s brilliant. Opinions are so much harder to read when the court doesn’t follow the “roadmap then IRAC” format.
I might be the last law student to get on the IRAC train, but hey, at least I got there eventually.5
Other thrills of my week included my room smelling like a swamp, finishing a non-legal book, going to the hot-ghetto-mess that is Popeye’s Chicken, and that No634 now has its own facebook page. I wonder how long it will take me to get to 10 fans!6
1 Apparently my ‘professional’ subscribers think this is hilarious because they aren’t furiously scrubbing coffee stains off of a pink H&M shirt…
2Yeah, I’m that guy…and people always wonder why I lose my voice after I drive…
3 Yes, I read cases for fun. Criminal, mental commitment, divorce, and parental termination cases are more bizarre than anything Grisham or Nancy Grace can throw at you. My favorite cases are from Iowa. Not because anything particularly interesting happens in Iowa, but because they use a large font, and double space.
4 I’m not an idiot, I swear. The excerpts of cases in our case books aren’t long enough to see a good example of the structure.
5 I over-thought it. In law school things aren’t as complicated as they first seem. It’s just the simple things in aggregate that look impressive… sort of like a lego castle.
6 That’s the threshold number for me to stop feeling silly for creating the page.
March 11th, 2009
Professor P didn’t think highly of the lawyers in today’s case.1
Professor P: “This is a classic example of a badly drafted document. When you use a form, make sure you are the master of the form. Do not use words that you don’t understand.”
Professor P: “So what did the lawyer do in this case?”
Jill: “Well, he didn’t know how to draft the will so he called up a lawyer buddy of his, and that’s where the ambiguous language came from…”
Professor P: “Thereby proving that two bad lawyers are not better than one bad lawyer!”
1 Camp v. Camp, 220 Va. 595 (Va. 1979) The lawyer confused tenancy in common with a joint tenancy. ( An explanation is here).
The specific clause in the contract is “as tenants in common with the right of survivorship.” The problem is that tenants in common have no right of survivorship.
March 8th, 2009
I misread my reading assignment1 for Crimlaw, but stumbled upon the best case ever.2
The defendant was sentenced to 60 years to life on seven counts of aggravated robbery, two counts of aggravated battery, two counts of kidnapping, and four counts of aggravated burglary. Gasp, I know.
The fact section (after the jump) is strange. The gist: a crackhead goes on a crime spree. What is bizarre about the opinion is that after describing how the defendant robs and terrorizes someone, the court then mentions that the defendant ate his victim’s food.
For example:
At gunpoint, Crawford took Monhollon to the back door of the other half of his duplex and instructed him to say his phone was not working.
Monhollon’s neighbor, Bernice Looka, let him in and Crawford followed him. In the bedroom, Crawford went through Looka’s jewelry and dresser drawers. Then Crawford told Looka to take off her clothes and he handcuffed her to the faucet in the bathroom. He made Monhollon wait while he ate Looka’s ice cream and cookies.
The junkie ate at two houses.
I don’t know what is more bizarre: that the crackhead ate the victim’s food, or that the court mentions it in the opinion. The fact section is after the jump:
Continue reading “The hungry junkie…” »
January 27th, 2009
Oh my goodness. From a tweet from Omar Ha-Redeye:
SAN DIEGO — A mistrial was declared Monday when a home-invasion robbery suspect smeared human feces on his attorney’s face then threw more at the jury.
Weusi McGowan, 37, was upset because San Diego Superior Court Judge Jeffrey Fraser refused to remove Deputy Alternate Public Defender Jeffrey Martin from the case, prosecutor Christopher Lawson said.
At the mid-morning break, McGowan produced a plastic baggie filled with fecal matter and spread it on Martin’s hair and face, then flung the excrement toward the jury box, hitting the briefcase of juror No. 9 but missing the juror himself.
And the ringer:
“That juror didn’t even see it coming,” Lawson said.
The rest of the story is on 10news.com.
January 26th, 2009
Starting Statutory Interpretation on a high note:
Professor S: “You all have finished a semester of law school so you should be able to answer this question: Where can we find law? Who makes it, and where is it found?”
Jack: “Cities!”
Professor S: “Uh…cities? I guess you can find a book of statutes in a city…”
January 21st, 2009
Prepare for the muddle…
Prof R: “There’s no restatement for Criminal Law. Someone once said that criminal hasn’t been stated well enough to be restated. I recommend a horn book…”
Jack the thief:
Prof R: “So you think if society didn’t punish burglary, we would all go out and commit burglaries?”
Jack: “I dunno... I would!”
December 2nd, 2008
Only in Con Law…
Professor L: “Ms. Dennel? Demmel?”
Jill: “Her name was De-mal. Sarah Demal.”
Professor L: “Yes, so Ms. Dememel? Dennel? Oh forget it! I’ll just call you Ms. D!”
(Class laughs)
Professor L: “So Ms. D…”
Jill: “Actually, I’m Jill. Jill Smith.”
Professor L: “Huh? Where’s Ms. Demmel? Is Ms. Demmel, Dannel, Dennel not here today?”
Jill: “Sarah Demal sat in front of me. She actually dropped out the first week of class…”
Professor L: “OH! That explains things! I just had a note here that she wasn’t here the last time I called on her… hm.”
Jill: “…So do you want me to answer?”
Professor L: “No. I didn’t even want to call on you! Forget it!”
(Class laughs)
Professor L: “This is literally sound and fury signifying nothing…THERE! I got a Shakespeare quote in! ”
(later)
Professor L: “Okay, let me turn to…Ms. Chang…oh, she’s not here. She didn’t drop out too right?”
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