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September 2010
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Dennis Jansen

March 26th, 2010

Meeting Sodaman

I was leaving my apartment building this morning when I saw a man run across the street. He clutched a soda and started shouting at me:

Sodaman: “Hey, can you hold the door for me?”
Me: “Uh, sure.
Sodaman: “Thanks. I live in apartment #45…just don’t want the police to come and…”
Me: “Oh, so you’re my new downstairs neighbor! Well, I apologize for my dogs in advance. They might bark…”
Sodaman: “Oh don’t worry. We are all natives so things are about to get crazy! Just knock on the door and tell them Reed sent you. Oh, and if it’s an old drunk guy just take him into the hallway. Don’t be scared…”
Me: “Oh, I’m from Miamitrust.”
Sodaman: “I got you. I just got back from Washington…”

Looks like I’m in for another long summer


Earlier: Yesina gets arrested, and Yesina gets arrested again.

May 10th, 2009

Best Week Ever #16: yellow love and the creep

I think that thing they call spring is here.

The grass started turning green a month ago, but the trees have remained leafless – until this week. Sometime overnight all the trees decided to blossom.

It’s as if the mayor pressed some secret spring button.1

I feel like I’m in some parallel Paula Dean Garden universe. I got so used to winter that I forgot that there are other seasons…

Harley and I spent the week exploring the extensive park system in the neighborhood. The amount of parks, lakes, and nature trails surrounding downtown is ridiculous.

I suspect I moved back to Germany and no one has told me yet, especially when I look at the Fachwerk houses in the neighborhood:

I need to stop bringing coffee on these walks. The same thing happens every time: I start the walk with a cup of coffee and when we are 4 or 5 miles from home I realize “oh shit, I need to pee.

This is of course the point when Harley gets tired and is all, “wait, why are we rushing all of the sudden?”

He then decides that every tree, squirrel, and gardener is worth inspection.

My bladder starts crying…and disaster strikes.2

And don’t be fooled by the “Minnesota Nice” stereotype – even Minnesotans will give you filthy looks when you’re raging down the street, screaming “GOD DAMN DA COFF-FAAAY!!!” while grabbing your crotch and dragging a 100lb dog…

There have been plenty of times this week when I’ve wanted to scream upon getting home. Harley has started trashing the apartment.

I tweeted about the destruction and was directed by @Karpul to this article on the Humane Society Website. The topic? Dog Separation Anxiety. The gist? He’s destroying the apartment because he misses me and loves me.

Now before you say “awe” remember I am not seeing love when I’m cleaning up shredded novels marinating in puddles of piss.

No. That ain’t love.

And of course the article says scolding the dog will ONLY MAKE IT WORSE!

Well… crap!

You mean I come home to a destroyed, pee-soaked apartment and I can’t bitch at anyone? This is supremely unfair.

And the most ridiculous thing is that Harley didn’t start this chaos until recently. I guess that means he didn’t like me enough before…

In order to help him adjust, I decided to study at Dunn Brothers today. I left Harley a pork bone and hoped for the best. Of course he completely demolished the kitchen – broke dishes, dragged the trash everywhere, and then pissed all over the front door.

And no, he did not need to pee – we had gone on a two hour walk this morning. Minneapolis is perfumed with this dog’s pee. It was pure spite…or according to the humane society, yellow love…

One redeeming thing about Harley is his “don’t mess with me or I’ll eat you” size. He even keeps Meth Molly away.

However, Harley’s size did fail to keep the crazy away this week – we were walking in Uptown (on Lyndale) when I saw this sketchtastic guy sitting at a bus stop across the street.

He was bald, pasty-white, emaciated, and had no eye brows ala Alexander Litvinenko (or Powder) and of course STARING RIGHT AT ME.

So I smiled politely and directed Harley down the street. Of course a few blocks later I see that powder had crossed the street and was storming down the sidewalk right behind us! I have seen waaay too many zombie movies for this to be okay. Seriously, this guy looked like the last day of chemo…or day 28

So I took a sharp turn and literally RAN down the block as much as I could before he made it to the corner. What the hay…

The sprint worked, but I ran into the creep at another bus stop on Hennepin. He glared at me from across the street. I wondered if Harley would catch whatever that guy had if Harley decided to eat him…

In addition to running from zombies and cleaning up pee, I took my first final exam this week. The subject was Property, and it was not as horrible as everyone expected. My only grief is that there were NO future interests/estates problems! Not a single one!

All that time spent on learning the vesting categories? A waste.

The $20 I spent on the supplemental future interest book? An utter waste…especially since I barely looked at the book…

Tomorrow is my Criminal Law Final, and Friday is Corporations. Crimlaw is strangely pleasant to study…which is odd given how incredibly dull that class was…

I’ve also spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about “what kind of law I want to practice” and decided that it’s a silly question. I am not so limited in my interests that I wouldn’t be perfectly content practicing in most fields. I know that seems sacrilegious to say, but I don’t think I’m the only person who likes law enough to be happy in most fields…

Heck, I think most students at my school would be open to most areas of law. And most of us feel silly when lawyers (and parents, and friends) ask us what field we want to practice in, since the first year of law school gives us no clue of what private practice is actually like.3

There are a few former Business School kids and future public defenders who know exactly what they want to do (to the exclusion of all other opportunities) but most of us have no idea…

The real question is what type of firm will hire me? I love my school, but I’m aware of its limitations. UMN is reputable enough that nearly everyone will pass the bar, but not so prestigious that everyone will have a job upon graduation.

I have decided that the answer is not to claw my way into the top 5% since even biglaw has its problems.

The point (for me at least) isn’t to get a prestigious job just because that’s what everyone else is doing. My goal is to have a career that allows me to do challenging work and pay off my student loans before I’m 40.

…oh, and a job that allows me to afford dog training…since I’m sick of this yellow love business.


1 I’m pretty sure it’s between the “easy” button and the Taco Bell button.
2 And I can’t tie him up and run into a coffee shop or something because I always feel like a horrible dog owner doing that… plus I’m sure there’s some sort of ordinance against that.
3 I think that’s why next year’s 1Ls will be required to take a “work of the lawyer” course.

March 29th, 2009

400-pound Cher

Stella and I went to the clubhouse this weekend and got sat on by a 400 pound Cher!

Pictures (and video!) of the hilarity after the jump. NOTE: not school/work appropriate. Continue reading “400-pound Cher” »

February 9th, 2009

Notes on a bad first date

As mentioned in yesterday’s vlog, Jamie and I had the opportunity to observe a very public, very awful first-date at the Freighthouse.

Here are the best quotes:

400-pound-man: “I got home and the Antique Roadshow was on, so of course I watched it until 6am!”

400-pound-man: “And I woke up the next day and was like: “WHO WAS THAT LITTLE GREEN GUY DRIVING THE CAR AND WHO CRAPPED ON MY LAWN!?”

Jamie grabs my laptop, opens MS Word and writes:

Jamie: This guy doesn’t shut up. I feel sorry for this girl. So far it has been determined- by me- that he is a drunk and trying too hard. I think she has completed three full sentences and one was about her coming home from work on Friday and having a bottle of wine.

Jamie (quoting the guy): “It’s not like I am a drunk, I am a social person that likes to have fun.” Definitely a first date- and if either of them had any standards it would be the last. He is so not self-monitoring.

Me (typing): And you thought the mall-cop was bad…

Me (typing): But seriously, they aren’t THAT entertaining to make up for what you’re losing in productivity…

Jamie (typing): Though the legal lady and these two are definitely making it all worthwhile!

January 1st, 2009

Trouble…

How to tell when your significant other thinks you blog too much:

Jamie: “Are you going to blog about how I made you go on an awkward double date with two of my ex’s that I’m trying to hook up?”

(two hours later)

Jamie: “You’re going to blog about this aren’t you?”

(at the end of the night)

Jamie: “DONT BLOG ABOUT THIS!”

(right now, as he’s reading this over my shoulder)

Jamie: “I THOUGHT YOU WEREN’T GOING TO BLOG ABOUT THIS!”

…blog about what dear?

December 15th, 2008

More than Bitterly Cold?

I went to Frank’s Hotdogs last night and had a chat with the owner (?) she’s a middle aged lady with several kids:

Owner: “So where ya from?”
Me: “I moved from Miami this past August.”
Owner: “OH MY GOD! You poor thing! You must think we’re crazy to live out here in this cold!”
Me: “Oh, it’s not that bad. It’s all about dressing appropriately…”

And then I wake up this morning and check the weather…

And the horror continued as I scrolled down the page…

…um.

Now there are SEVERAL problems with this.

Problem #1: The “feels like” temperature for today is -30.

I cannot fathom. Seriously. I cannot… but, I will have to because I have a torts final in an hour.

Problem #2: “Dangerous” wind chill of -40.

How fast is this wind blowing? 20, or maybe 30mph. I walk to school. Over the Mississippi. On this long-ass bridge:

Problem #3: (and this is the kicker) for tomorrow the high is -18. The description says, “bitterly cold.”

Dear weather channel.com: you’ve set me back a full 10 minutes because I have wrap my mind around this fuckery.

If -18 is bitterly cold…what the heck do you call today’s “feels like” -30?

They haven’t come up with a word have they?  You sent Timmy the Intern outside to feel the -30 and he never came back! Timmy, I have your back. I’ll never forget!

Now there is a positive to all of this: I’m so preoccupied with being offended at the weather (and the weather channel.com!) that the final is not even a remote concern.

December 13th, 2008

In which Torts redeems itself…

Whenever I get sick of outlining, my torts book shoots me a jewel like this:

“On the other hand there are other kinds of medical malpractice, as where a sponge is left in the plaintiff’s abdomen after an operation, where no expert is needed to tell the jury that such events do not usually occur in the absence negligence.”

Muhaha. I love it…

Anyhoot, almost done!

November 17th, 2008

Mrs. Rush falls into the tiolet…

Rush v. Commercial Realty Co. is an example of why I love law school: I just finished having a laughing fit at the Wilde Roast Café.

And yes, I cried.

The case for the plaintiffs was that they were tenants of the defendant, which controlled the house wherein they lived and also the adjoining house, and provided a detached privy (outhouse/toilet) for the use of both houses; that Mrs. Rush having occasion to use this privy, went into it and fell through the floor, or through some sort of trap door therein, descended about nine feet into the accumulation at the bottom, and had to be extricated by use of a ladder.

Now, it turns out that Mrs. Rush didn’t actually fall through the toilet. That’s how I read it the first time – and believe me the visual was pure hilarity. It appears Mrs. Rush fell through the floor of the outhouse, not the actual potty.

And the judge blamed the property owner, because:

In dealing with these, it should be observed that Mrs. Rush had no choice, when impelled by the calls of nature, but to use the facilities placed at her disposal by the landlord, to wit, a privy with a trap door in the floor, poorly maintained.

Mrs. Rush wins. Whether or not the fall was the only accident that happened is unclear.

* Rush v. Commercial Realty Co., 145 A. 476 (N.J. Sup. Ct. 1929)

October 27th, 2008

Jansen takes a tumble

I don’t really believe in Karma, but let’s call it that anyway: last night was a study in schadenfreude. I watched B. Scott’s commentary video on “Scarlet Takes a Tumble” about four times. I showed it to housemates. We laughed. I was on the floor crying with laughter at one point. Yes it was that serious…

“Scarlet Takes a Tumble” is the new viral-video-of-the-moment. It features an overweight girl singing. Scarlet gets up, put some heels on, and stands on a coffee table.

And then, of course, one-two-three WHAM! She falls. It’s hilarious. It is. Actually, it’s not as funny as B. Scott’s commentary video. Watch it. You’ll understand.

So, the little Karma Buddha in the sky, (or in Wisconsin, however this thing works…) took note. Karma Buddha saw me on the ground laughing at Scarlet and her misfortune, and he said, “Beyotch, I shall smite thine ass.”

Today I got my comeuppance: I’m cycling back to school after eating lunch at home. I’m biking on the sidewalk and approach 10th avenue. There is a church-like-thing on the corner with an extremely high yard that comes down to meet the sidewalk. The yard of the church is so high that it obscures the 10th avenue sidewalk, so I couldn’t see the easel for Burrito Loco (a local restaurant), which was in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk, right around the corner…

I see the easel. I brake. My tires slip on the leaves and then catch. I fly over my bicycle and PANCAKE ON THE GROUND, VAM! and my bike crashes on top of me

A biker across the street comes over, “Oh my god! Are you alright!?”

I mumble something and scramble to save my coffee tumbler from rolling into the street. I then thank the biker for his concern and try to find my water bottle, which flew somewhere…

I finally find my water bottle when another biker with wild red hair comes up. “Dude! That was the COOLEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN!”

“Why thank you,” I said. At least someone thought impromptu flight lesson was que badass. I then booked it across the bridge to torts.

So dear Karma Buddha, dear KB, or B-town, or whatever you’re called. I get it. Nice one. But Scarlet’s tumble is still hilarious.

September 19th, 2008

PWNED!

My housemate and I are trying to study Torts at the Freighthouse.

But we can’t. There’s a piano in the second floor seating area, which I thought was for decoration…

…but about 15 minutes ago this couple began playing, very poorly.

(out of tune piano rattling)
My housemate: “OH MY GOD! These people are SO annoying!”
Voice from downstairs: “NO MORE PIANO!”
(snickers from downstairs)
(piano stops. The players stare at each other.)
Housemate: Thank god!
Me: (laughing and clapping)
(piano starts again)
Housemate: (moans) “I’m offended. I’ve been offended for the last ten minutes.”
Me: (laughing)

One of the baristas comes up from downstairs.

Barista (to the piano players): “I’m sorry. While this is, uh, really good music and all…I think you might have forgotten that there are other people in this café who …um… may not to care to hear your music. So please stop. Thanks.”

PWNED! Haha!

Now back to Torts…

*****
Later, while getting a refill:

Me: “Hey, were you the one who told them to stop?”
Barista: “Yes…”
Me: “Thank you! You’re my hero.”
Barista: “You’re the fourth person who has come down and told me that. You guys make me feel like less like an evil person.”

Housemate: “Yeah, some people just need a little nudge to realize that the world doesn’t love them and everything they do.”