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March 2010
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March 2nd, 2010

Naked mannequins, a hearse, & misc. messitude

Things got a little weird at Dunn Brothers yesterday.

I first noticed a naked, oddly painted mannequin on the balcony of the apartment above the café.
Dunn Brothers
Then, when I got inside of the café, I set my stuff down and went towards the restroom. I opened the door and surprised a little old man who apparently didn’t know how to work the door lock. I was horrified. I quickly closed the door as he started peeing on the wall in shock. SO embarrassing.

I then sat back down and recognized a nearby gay couple. They were at this Dunn Brothers cafe the last time I was here, last September.

They are an odd couple, not only because one of them looks like Tracy Morgan, but because they had one those “status of the relationship/our feelings” conversations that is WAY too intimate for a crowded café. It was gloriously awkward, and my friend Mike and I were amused.

So of course, five months later, I run into this same couple in the middle of the very same awkwardly intimate conversation. Déjà vu!

A hearse pulled  into the parking lot as I left the cafe.
Dunn Brothers
There was blood (hopefully) painted on the back window of the hearse, which was driven by a soda-toting hipster who I’m pretty sure lives in the naked-mannequin apartment. Somehow that’s not surprising.

We had a mannequin as our floor mascot in the dorms one year. The freshmen found it in South Beach, brought it back to campus in cab, and clothed it with stolen clothes from the laundry room. It rotated from room to room, and was pretty random, and fun. I kinda want a mannequin now…

February 26th, 2010

The Freighthouse

My favorite Dunn Brothers cafe in Minneapolis is the Freighthouse. It is built in an old freighthouse and has a great upstairs loft.

Dunn Brothers Freighthouse

Dunn Brothers Freighthouse

Dunn Brothers Freighthouse

Dunn Brothers Freighthouse

It is also close enough to school that I can pop over during lunch, but far enough that I don’t have to worry about running into other law students.

I study at the Freighthouse often, and the hot baristas have nothing to do with this. Really.

February 23rd, 2010

Geyser

This is why I usually have a coffee tumbler:

spilled coffee

I’ve been a coffee-soaked law student for over a year now, so I just shake off the dark roast from my copy of the tax code and I’m ready to go.

January 31st, 2010

BWE 2: Chaos, “being social” and fair-weather suitors

Note: Best Week Ever (BWE) posts are a summary of the prior week.

This week had a surreal vacationy feel. It was like spring-break minus the nice weather.There was Trivia, yarking drag queens, dancing, and intense pool tournaments.

On Friday, I somehow found myself at a house party in the exurbs. There were about 8 people, but I only knew Jack. After an unsuccessful game of Categories, Jack’s friends separated into small groups and started bickering.

It was a chaotic scene that felt like an episode of The Real World because the partygoers kept interrupting their trash talk to give me back story as if I was one of the confessionals.

The hostess and her boyfriend fought mostly because he didn’t like her tone, which she couldn’t control because she was drunk. They were too crunk for Jesus to communicate properly, so there was a lot of running around to separate rooms, screaming, and dramatics.

One guy kept rattling on about his most recent trip to jail, and another girl spent a hour telling me an epic story about her evil Russian stepmother. The girl’s stepmother stories apparently enraged one of the partygoers who started mumbling dark threats and eventually went up to the girl and shouted, “NO ONE LIKES YOU! WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE? NO ONE WANTS YOU HERE! YOU’RE A BITCH!”

This happened as she stood near the hostess’s awkward apartment-mate, who spent most of the evening by himself playing shoot-em-up video games. The gamer and I exchanged a look like “oh snap, thank god we aren’t involved in this….”

Aside from my social activities and Real World cameos, I also worked on my days off from school.

Apparently this is what I look like when I get a securities regulation case at work:

Unamused

I really like my job, but I hope that if they hire me after graduation that my coworkers won’t wear hot pink skinny pants. Amber was so shocked by the pepto bismol pants on Friday that she sent me an emergency text. It was glorious.

I spent most of my non-working time this weekend cleaning and doing homework. Today I went to Dunn Brothers to study for corporate tax, but I failed to notice that there were no open seats until after I ordered my coffee. So I chugged the coffee and went to the Purple Onion, which is closer to campus.

Unamused

The cafes immediately surrounding campus aren’t busy at the beginning of the semester since the undergrads are still doing more drinking than reading. They complete the transition from bars to books about a week before finals, so there is room for me for majority of the semester.

The last major thing that happened this week was the end of the relationship.

The cattle call started once my “single” status hit people’s facebook streams – dozens1 of casual friends who barely kept in touch while I had a boyfriend are suddenly coming out of the woodwork and are desperate to “hang out.”

I am like the 10-year old girl who is suddenly popular because she is the first one in her class to use a training bra. I feel suspicious and harassed essentially for the reasons stated in this post.

Over the coming weeks I will weed out the true friends from the fair-weather suitors. We’ll see how that goes.


1 Literally, dozens. My inbox is full. You’d think Beyonce was on auction or something…

October 26th, 2009

Awkward and racist: Flem at the Coffeshop

So my tax reading at Dunn Brothers (a coffee chain) was interrupted by some heavy drama.

First, I had the mildly annoying situation of coffee gift card reading as if there is only 31 cents on it when the online balance is $49. The balance should be about $93 because I put $44 on it yesterday… anyway, that is NOT the drama keeping me from my tax reading.

The drama was Flem, the crazy, coughing man who was speaking REALLY LOUDLY on his phone and engaging in total overshare. Here are some gems:

Flem: “I cough, and I cough, and I cough. I live in a homeless shelter with about 40 other men and I am the loudest cougher in there.”

Flem: “Wait, I have another call coming in…yes sir. Yes. Yes sir. Well let me put you on my reject list…

Flem: “…and I was riding my bike, all 230 pounds of me, and I crashed on the sidewalk and cracked my rib…”

Flem: “I’m living with a bunch of negros. At the homeless shelter it’s all negros. And I’m not a fan of the blacks. And no, they can’t hear me I’m on the white part of town.”

Flem: “Things are rough here in Minneapolis. I just sold my last food stamps for $30.”

Flem: “I am taking all my medications, I’m doing all the right things…I keep my pajamas and flipflops there, I have my own uh…”

Flem: “I keep thinking I’m dying of some incurable lung cancer because it hurts so much…”

So I am sitting here exchanging smirks with the people around me. I was loving the fact that this man sold his last food stamps but had a working cellphone with a headset. One of the Baristas did not appreciate Flem’s black comments and asked Flem to leave.

Barista: “Um, excuse me sir. Can you please leave? You are bothering customers.”
Flem: “Okay, I dig it. I dig it.”
Barista: “Uh, thank you.”

The Barista goes back behind the counter and Flem changes his mind and goes ape-shit:

Flem: “BUT WHAT ABOUT WHAT FREE SPEECH? IS THERE NO FUCKING FREE SPEECH AT DUNN BROTHERS?! HUH?”

Barista: “DUDE! Get out of here!”

Flem: “No! I will not get out of here! The police won’t come before I get here! Blacks are niggers! NIGGERS! I know because I live with them!”

Barista: “DUDE! Shut up and leave!”

Flem: “NO I WILL NOT LEAVE! I WILL STAND HERE! CRACK CULTURE SUCKS! BLACK CULTURE SUCKS! EVERYONE IN HERE IS WHITE!”

Flem apparently didn’t see the five Somalis, the Mexican dude, or me.

Flem turns up the volume. He’s throwing a full out fit. Everyone is gasping. The scene is charged and totally awkward.

This man is literally standing in the doorway head raised at the sky screaming like a toddler having a temper tantrum in Wal-Mart. This was ten types of crazy. Hello Minneapolis!

Flem eventually left. I am just glad I am by the back door so I can dash out when Flem comes back with a gun…

January 6th, 2009

Jansen vs. the Grannie

Just had a snarky exchange at the Pelli Library café.

Me: “May I have a large coffee with room for cream?”
Barista: “Sure. That’ll be $2 please.”
(I hand him my Roast Masters card)
Barista: “Does this have money on it?”
Me: “I hope so.”
Lady behind me (muttering): “Smartass.”

I turn around and this decrepit heffer is smirking at me. I shoot a nasty glare and turn back to the (horrified) Barista. Jansen does not cuss out grannies.

Barista: “Uh, here’s your card. It has $12 left on it.”
Me: “Thanks.”

The Roast Masters card is a modern punch card. You get a free bag of beans or drink with every $40 you spend.

It’s also a gift card. I put money on it so my bank account isn’t littered with $2.09 coffee charges.

It’s slightly annoying when a Barista asks me if there’s money on the card. I’m not pulling out another card or cash…so, I hope there’s money on the Roast card because otherwise we have a problem…

Can you imagine being asked if there’s money on your debit card before it’s even swiped? Que ghetto.

As for the grannie… if you’re miserable and rude at 80 then there’s little that a 20-something can say to you. Maybe her poodle died or something… or AARP rejected her application… poor thing.

September 24th, 2008

The Breakfast Burrito

I obviously have little experience with Breakfast Burritos…

Last night I was revising my legal writing assignment at the Freighthouse when I suddenly became hungry.

Dunn Bros (like Starbucks) sells an assortment of overpriced sandwiches and Naked Juice. They also sell breakfast burritos.

So I bought a breakfast burrito around 6pm.

And it did not occur to me at the time that breakfast burritos are typically put out…at breakfast.

Dunn Bros opens at 6am. So yeah, that egg-based burrito was probably sitting out for 12 hours.

No. It was out for 12 hours – because within 20 minutes I was furiously biking home,…and yeah…I was ill for the rest of the evening. Bleh.

[the gory details omitted]

I’m making up for yesterday’s lack of productivity between classes today. Hm, hm, hm.

Yesterday’s lesson: think before you eat.

September 19th, 2008

PWNED!

My housemate and I are trying to study Torts at the Freighthouse.

But we can’t. There’s a piano in the second floor seating area, which I thought was for decoration…

…but about 15 minutes ago this couple began playing, very poorly.

(out of tune piano rattling)
My housemate: “OH MY GOD! These people are SO annoying!”
Voice from downstairs: “NO MORE PIANO!”
(snickers from downstairs)
(piano stops. The players stare at each other.)
Housemate: Thank god!
Me: (laughing and clapping)
(piano starts again)
Housemate: (moans) “I’m offended. I’ve been offended for the last ten minutes.”
Me: (laughing)

One of the baristas comes up from downstairs.

Barista (to the piano players): “I’m sorry. While this is, uh, really good music and all…I think you might have forgotten that there are other people in this café who …um… may not to care to hear your music. So please stop. Thanks.”

PWNED! Haha!

Now back to Torts…

*****
Later, while getting a refill:

Me: “Hey, were you the one who told them to stop?”
Barista: “Yes…”
Me: “Thank you! You’re my hero.”
Barista: “You’re the fourth person who has come down and told me that. You guys make me feel like less like an evil person.”

Housemate: “Yeah, some people just need a little nudge to realize that the world doesn’t love them and everything they do.”

September 15th, 2008

Best Week ever #2: Extending the weekend

It’s 9am and I’m usually studying at Dunn by now.

But this morning, the preview for America’s Newsroom looked so interesting that I decided to relax and watch the first hour. (I think I’m going to miss the Megyn’s Court segment, however. Hmmph.)

This is going to be my first “full” week of law school since half of my classes were canceled last week. And while I didn’t succeed in creating a week-long reading buffer, I am good until Wednesday. This means that I can extend my easy weekend reading pace throughout the week without falling behind…in theory at least.

We’ll see how this goes.