Jamie and I spent the weekend in Bemidji.

Bemidji is a resort town in Northern Minnesota where Jamie went to college. Bemidji State University looks like a grotty, oversized high school.

The university is on the shore of lake Bemidji. The lake is frozen over and dotted with fish houses.

Driving on the lake quickly lost its appeal. We were convinced that the ice would crack and we would drown…and it would be our fault for… well, driving on a lake. Who does that?

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We sampled downtown Bemidji’s nightlife on Saturday night. The first bar had a pair of snow-mobilers chatting up a 300-pound female bouncer. Frizzy hair and galoshes. Indeed.

The next bar was full of undergrads. There were two jukebox Nazis who played 14 songs using the “play now” feature. I think they blew $20 on that jukebox. They did play Radiohead, Nine Inch Nails, and our favorite Peaches song so I forgave them.

We played photo hunt as a group of five. It’s really easy to get the high score when you have that many people.

The best moment of bar #2 was when two very blond, very tan girls busted in wearing mini-skirts. They shook the snow from their stilettos and stumbled into the back of the bar. No frost was too deep to keep these girls from being tanned and (almost) naked!

We ended the night at Bemidji’s local hiphop club called Bada Bing.

Bada Bing was tragic. There was skinny, painfully dorky DJ. The DJ was accompanied by Cartman, his morbidly obese sidekick. Cartman stood on the stage and flailed about while shouting “yeah yeah! Oh oh oh!” We saw way too much of Cartman’s belly.

And hers:

That would be mean, but the girl in the middle was so obnoxiously drunk that she spat in my face while asking me to dance. “CMON! CMON! SHOW ME HOW TO POP LOCK AND…”

Today, Jamie took me on a tour of Bemidji State University. We also saw the wonders of the Paul Bunyan Mall . K-Mart is an anchor store. Yep.

Out of revenge, I dragged asked Jamie to go to Wal-Mart with me. Jamie hadn’t been in a Wal-Mart in 7 years, which is unacceptable. He loves Wal-Mart. He just doesn’t know it yet.

Sunday night we saw Marley & Me. The plot? Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson get married and have kids. The comic relief is their troublesome dog, Marley.

The best line in the movie was delivered by the 6-year-old behind us:

Kid: “They have sex a lot.”

I laughed so hard that I had tears in my eyes.